Dating question

My definition of a date:

Time spent intentionally one-on-one with a single gay or bi man, before such point as that man indicates that he will never have any romantic interest in you.

Others' definition of a date:

????


I haven't the foggiest idea what people mean by this word. Whenever I use the word "date," whether before, during, or after the time spent, I'm told, "This will be/is/was not a date."

I had someone tell me that it's only a date if the person who asked pays for both people, which just seems classist, sexist (it's just mimicking outdated sexist views of hetero dating), absurd, and unfair since I've never been asked out, I've always had to do the asking. I believe when you start out dating someone, you pay for yourself to prove you're not trying to mooch off the guy, and only move on to one person paying for both once you've established trust with each other.

So, anyway, is my definition so far off base that I need to change? Do I need to change some of my values, or reconcile myself to being a lifelong bachelor? Is it silly that I'm even posting these questions?

My definition of a date is pretty much the same as yours, but with one clarification. I actually find nearly all of my dates online and I don't regard the first time we meet up in real-life to be a date. It's just a casual meet-up to get to know the person and get a feeling for all the things that you can't really gauge on a dating site. If that goes well, the next time we get together (and every time afterward until one of us says we're not interested romantically) is a date.

The idea that the person asking has to pay is ridiculous, outdated, and rooted in gay people trying to assimilate into a nonsensical aspect of heterosexual culture.

Of course, when I am dating someone, there will be special occasions where I say to him "hey, I'd like to treat you to dinner because you're so ridiculously awesome, is that alright?" and on those occasions I expect to pay. However, as I said, those are special occasions and gestures when I want to go out of my way to show the guy I really appreciate and care for him.

I've actually never had anyone expect me to pay for everything when I say "hey, let's go out on a date". Maybe it's a notion that is (thankfully) going out of style in the gay community?

Do guys actually use the word "date", like, ever? I've kind of learnt to avoid it, because every time I use it, whether I've seen the guy one time or ten times, as soon as I say it, the guy says, "We're not dating."

And I gave up online dating because I finally got tired of constantly getting treated like crap.

My experience of online dating:

Chat with a guy online. Get along well. Ask to meet. Guy never speaks to you again. Have this happen about a hundred times. Finally find a guy who will actually meet. Find the guy really nice and interesting. Guy seems to be enjoying himself. End with both saying you had a good time and would like to meet again. Follow up. Guy never speaks to you again. Go through this entire cycle again ad infinitum ad nauseum.

I don't have time for that garbage, and I'm worth more than that.

I had that problem when I was younger, but as I've gotten older it's rarely happened. Usually one of us will say "hey, it was great hanging out, but I'm not interested in this going any farther". I had assumed it was because, as I had gotten older, I was dating older guys and they were now becoming sufficiently mature to not pull that crap.

You're definitely not alone in this frustration, though. I know other guys who have had similar complaints. I'm not saying online dating is perfect; it's just worked for me better than picking guys up in bars.

Oh, I don't go to bars either. I'd rather date a guy I'm friends with first, but so many of my friends tell me that dating a friend feels incestuous. Or I try to meet new guys at parties and events.

Yeah, I'd prefer that as well, but the opportunities are so rare. Most of my friends' gay friends are hooked up. It is exceptionally rare for me to encounter another single gay man through one of my friends.

And yet every time I suggest I should resign myself to being a lifelong bachelor, everyone has a snitfit that I can't give up and have to hope and am a great guy etc etc.

Human beings are just so freakin' weird.

Quote by SiranNataan

Human beings are just so freakin' weird.

Human beings!? Try dating Betazoids! The date is always over in a few minutes because, since you can read each other's minds, you know whether you're wasting your time or are really into one another. ;)

I must be terribly old-fashioned but I've never used the internet to meet, date or hook up with anyone. Plus I usually pay when taking someone out on a date. I'm 30 now and have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years next month. Before that I could not successfully pursue a guy to save my life but found out that I was much better prey than hunter. I guess maybe I came off a desperate (which I wasn't) when I was the one doing the pursuing.

Any other instances were from bars either in WeHo or more often in Vegas where it's still very possible to meet someone in a bar the old-fashioned way. I did get cruised once in a bookstore and that guy is now one of my dearest friends.

My boyfriend initially pursued me because we'd known each other for about a year and were working together before I was laid-off. I wasn't even sure he was gay (until he sent me some softcore manga comics he liked to read) He was very reticent to pursue things physically having never been with another man before so I had to kinda pick up the slack there and do a little more of the pursuing but I knew by then that he liked me.

My point being; sometimes when you stop looking is when it's going to happen. You're intelligent and sensitive, SiranNataan and if these guys can't see it then it is their loss, not yours.

Never really thought about it before but I would consider a date to be a coordinated meet up to determine whether there IS any romantic interest or to further said interest. I firmly belong to the camp that once the initial meeting is over the person who invites the other person out pays unless a split check has been discussed ahead of time, I also apply this to all my outings not just romantic. For instance I had a birthday party at a restaurant and I invited all my friends but since it was my birthday I didn't pay, I also picked a reasonable joint. However, if I were to invite people to Medieval Times for my birthday I would have the expectation of covering everyone. That's just the way I was raised but I don't judge or look down upon those who were raised differently, neither should you. ;)

I think the idea that I should sit on my hands and wait until I can afford middle-class standards of dating is absurd, myself.

What I always wish, more than anything, is that I could take a secret video camera with me on the rare occasions I go out with a guy, so someone who knows what they're doing can point out where I'm screwing up. Like I said, the "outing" or whatever you want to call it seems to go great. And the guys always seem great. So when they refuse to speak to me again, they've vanished before I have any reason not to like them, so I assume there is something wrong with me.

And, I'm sorry about all of this. The whole legalising-marriage-in-Minnesota thing has got me really triggered today.

Quote by SiranNataan

And yet every time I suggest I should resign myself to being a lifelong bachelor, everyone has a snitfit that I can't give up and have to hope and am a great guy etc etc.

That's because 1 ) they're schadenfreude, enjoying in your misery. Or 2 ) they are so co-dependent and can't possibly fathom themselves being single and happy, and so they refuse to believe you can be happy as well.

So to avoid these people's secret negativity, don't revel your lifelong bachelor status, stock up on cats and porn. Start dating yourself, and embrace asexuality. Good luck, lemme know if it works!

LOL you can date at any point of your life the key is simply being honest. If I'm dating someone who is watching their money or doesn't have the same ideas about paying then I do it's not a problem because like adults we'd have discussed it. ;) The real key Siran is making sure that you're ready for someone in your life. Ask yourself the question, "Does my life have room for someone else?" If you do then it's time to take the plunge and just accept that dating for some people at some points of their life is like looking through a deck of cards for aces. You know for a fact there are at least four in there you just need to flip through the deck till you find them...also don't get hung up on the Kings, Queens, and Jacks, recognize they aren't aces and move on!!

I love dating.
When I was single, I think I loved it even more.
I've always been the type of person to enjoy woo'ing, surprising and making an event out of dates. It is what you make it.
If I expected things, instead of making things happen, I probably wouldn't soon be celebrating 11 years together.
My "advice" would be that, if you really want a relationship, you might want to bite the bullet and be to someone else what you want for yourself. Change it up. Dating can be very diverse and exciting.

I used to just call it "spending some time" I never got into the "dating" mentality because of all the formalities and ambiguities that come with that word, I figured, if I want formality (and ambiguity lol), I should just hang out at work. It was liberating for me to just enjoy the company of the person and experience the journey.

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

Quote by SiranNataan

What I always wish, more than anything, is that I could take a secret video camera with me on the rare occasions I go out with a guy, so someone who knows what they're doing can point out where I'm screwing up.

Hah! This is amazing. I just imagine you whipping out a camera at the beginning of the date. Explaining, "This? No, it's not a kink thing. I'm just cataloging my dating experiences for future research."

Kinda reminds me of the movie "Weekend" (it is so good and on netflix. not trashy. well acted and written. highly recommend it. made me feel all lovey and a little sad but in a good way)

Date... What is this strange concept? I always thought such a social construct was a myth of the gay community.