Re:Fan Fiction Competition - March 2010
The rain was noticeable as I materialized, but it helped me realize I was alive. I had managed to escape the incessant concerned glances, worried looks, and half-hearted "are you ok?" questions of the crew. Sometimes I don't know what is worse: being alone after I lost you, or being constantly surrounded by caring souls who didn't know how to help, but felt that they should. Everyone wants to do that, you know. Help. Especially in Starfleet. If there's a problem, you fix it. It's everyone's first reaction. You keep finding solutions until you land on one that works. You never give up.
Unfortunately, sometimes the best solution is to do nothing at all. I wanted to let time heal the wound, I really did. While the Pandora was back at Earth receiving repairs after the attack on Vega, I did everything I needed to do. I went to your funeral, I cried with your family, and I decorated my face with the Romulan symbols of grief; the same ones I remember on my mother's face when father died. I did everything I needed to do. I was accepting and getting ready to move on. What I didn't plan on was the fact that nobody else was.
From the moment I arrived back on the ship, all anyone could do was ask how I was doing, check up on me, talk about what happened. They were all so determined to help me that they couldn't see they were only dragging me down deeper and deeper. Everywhere I went, I was reminded of you; in the looks that people gave me, the questions they asked me, the memories they recounted to me. I know they all wanted to help, but I sometimes wonder if that help was meant for me or for themselves. No one was willing to let me let you go, probably because that meant they would have to let go as well.
In the end, of course, not even you would let me let go. It was bad enough that the crew wouldn't let me have my peace... but you? I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that look in your eyes, you know. As you staggered toward me, your figure perverted with black steel and green wiring, I could see it in your eyes. Underneath the implants and the voices of the collective, I could see you, and you wanted only one thing: me. You wanted me to join you.
Did you know that, for the briefest of moments, I was going to let you take me? It actually didn't sound too bad. You and me, together, surrounded not by the thousand pinpricks of a thousand questions from a caring crew, but instead the unfeeling voices of an indifferent hive mind. No one would care about us enough to drag us down into despair, and we would be left alone in a sea of chatter. I was going to let you take me... until the captain became the one person on the bridge with the sense to shoot you. That's when I realized what you really were and what you had become.
I remember being so frustrated and so angry. How dare you? After all that I had been through after losing you, after all that my friends had done to keep me shut in my prison of despair, how dare you be the one to turn the key and lock the door? Then you had the nerve to leave again, to return to your collective and its sweet, uncaring solitude. You almost even got death out of the deal, but I stopped it from happening. It probably came close to costing me my rank, but I don't care. I don't care about anything else anymore.
It's fitting that the Pandora has come back to Earth. The last time I was here, it was to mourn my loss and to cope with your departure. Now I've returned, only to vow to bring you back, no matter the cost. I even visited your grave, in the pouring rain, and stood there staring at the marker. I don't remember how long it was that I stood there in the sweet loneliness of the rain, clutching a lily in one hand and a tricorder in the other. At some point though, I placed the lily on your grave. You know the kind; my bouquet was full of them. When I held them, we vowed never to part until death and, fortunately, you're not dead. You're just locked away, same as me. In my tricorder, I have the key that will release us both. I've probably broken ten regulations getting it, but I just don't care anymore.
I'm bringing you back, because everyone just wouldn't let me let you go.
Unfortunately, sometimes the best solution is to do nothing at all. I wanted to let time heal the wound, I really did. While the Pandora was back at Earth receiving repairs after the attack on Vega, I did everything I needed to do. I went to your funeral, I cried with your family, and I decorated my face with the Romulan symbols of grief; the same ones I remember on my mother's face when father died. I did everything I needed to do. I was accepting and getting ready to move on. What I didn't plan on was the fact that nobody else was.
From the moment I arrived back on the ship, all anyone could do was ask how I was doing, check up on me, talk about what happened. They were all so determined to help me that they couldn't see they were only dragging me down deeper and deeper. Everywhere I went, I was reminded of you; in the looks that people gave me, the questions they asked me, the memories they recounted to me. I know they all wanted to help, but I sometimes wonder if that help was meant for me or for themselves. No one was willing to let me let you go, probably because that meant they would have to let go as well.
In the end, of course, not even you would let me let go. It was bad enough that the crew wouldn't let me have my peace... but you? I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that look in your eyes, you know. As you staggered toward me, your figure perverted with black steel and green wiring, I could see it in your eyes. Underneath the implants and the voices of the collective, I could see you, and you wanted only one thing: me. You wanted me to join you.
Did you know that, for the briefest of moments, I was going to let you take me? It actually didn't sound too bad. You and me, together, surrounded not by the thousand pinpricks of a thousand questions from a caring crew, but instead the unfeeling voices of an indifferent hive mind. No one would care about us enough to drag us down into despair, and we would be left alone in a sea of chatter. I was going to let you take me... until the captain became the one person on the bridge with the sense to shoot you. That's when I realized what you really were and what you had become.
I remember being so frustrated and so angry. How dare you? After all that I had been through after losing you, after all that my friends had done to keep me shut in my prison of despair, how dare you be the one to turn the key and lock the door? Then you had the nerve to leave again, to return to your collective and its sweet, uncaring solitude. You almost even got death out of the deal, but I stopped it from happening. It probably came close to costing me my rank, but I don't care. I don't care about anything else anymore.
It's fitting that the Pandora has come back to Earth. The last time I was here, it was to mourn my loss and to cope with your departure. Now I've returned, only to vow to bring you back, no matter the cost. I even visited your grave, in the pouring rain, and stood there staring at the marker. I don't remember how long it was that I stood there in the sweet loneliness of the rain, clutching a lily in one hand and a tricorder in the other. At some point though, I placed the lily on your grave. You know the kind; my bouquet was full of them. When I held them, we vowed never to part until death and, fortunately, you're not dead. You're just locked away, same as me. In my tricorder, I have the key that will release us both. I've probably broken ten regulations getting it, but I just don't care anymore.
I'm bringing you back, because everyone just wouldn't let me let you go.